Friday, January 20, 2006

The Birds

If you've ever seen The Birds by Alfred Hitchcock, you will understand.

If you've ever had your uncle's parrot swoop at you from across the very small lounge, aiming - you feel sure- directly for your succulent eyeballs....you will understand.

Allow yourself a preparatory shudder.

Yesterday we set off at 7am to drive to Auckland to pick up my parents from the airport. (Takes about 3 hours) So far so good.
We parked in car park space (shocking I know). We tried to remember which car parking space we were in.

It was car park space K5.

Dave said, "Aha! that's 4 less than you."

Think about it. Think about it.

5 plus 4 is.....9

K9....is a ....

Ok. So after a few milliseconds with my mouth hanging open trying to figure out what he was saying...I got the joke.

I laughed. Now that is the reason I married the man.

Not because he compares me to a canine, nor because he used to smash prawn crackers on my head while we were dating. But because he is funny. It's not right, but it is funny.

Anyway all this is a massive digression.

Plane was late. Shopped at the airport - hurrah! Stood at the arrivals gate waiting for parents to come through.

This gave me a new idea for Trinny and Susannah. My goodness what sartorial nightmares you witness when you stand around in a milling, international crowd. Now I know it's not fair because they've just got off long haul flights...but there is no way that some of these outfits even started off looking ok.

My favourite was a shapely old chap, SURELY for pities' sake an Austrian or German....because he was wearing a 'Sound of Music' little peaked hat and grey flannel trousers that ended about mid calf, with red braces on. Wait for it. The braces were pulling the trousers up into the middle of tomorrow. It made my eyes water just to look at him. Obviously he was feeling the burn too as right in front of me, he extracted his trousers from you know where.

He was adorable.

Another highlight were the married couple, about 50, who came off the plane with identical cut off trousers, again at about the mid calf. And sandals. BUT they were both wearing long BLACK socks. I gasped in horror.

I think Trinny & Susannah should do a show at an airport and pull over poor jet lagged Austrians. Open their suitcase in public. Ridicule the contents. And then do a makeover.

Anyway, thinking about all this passed the time till my parents came through, sans braces or knee length black socks, thank goodness.

Picked up parents. YEY! Drove back to Taupo, stopped for some surly service in Tirau - the town which was going downhill till some bright spark created a 30 foot tall Dog out of corrugated metal as the outside of his shop. The next door business was so inspired he changed the outside of his shop into a massive corrugated metal sheep. And so a legend was born. The corrugated metal shop animals are really very good....it's a fun place!

Anyway, managed to get poor jet lagged parents to Taupo....and eventually to bed.

Then I had to write 3 radio commercials...while Dave went for his 12km run. (Did I mention he is doing a 100km race around the lake in February?)

And EVENTUALLY the very long day tumbled into blackness. So we sat in the darkness, all lights extinguished except for the shiny glow of Allie McBeal on the TV (we've just started into the second series on DVD).

When suddenly this strange piercing shriek entered the room. I leapt up in the pitch black to see something flying above my head. AAAAGH! A bat! I thought.

"What is it?!" i shrieked falling to the floor with my hands over my head.

Dave had noticed that the shrieking had coincided with Harley running into the room.

"Hmmm I don' know" he said calming, clearly enjoying the excitement factor.

I ran across to the kitchen keeping my head low at all times in case the bat/bird/demon got stuck in my hair. I slammed my hands on the lights....and all was revealed.

A maimed bird was flapping around our lounge....harley was making evil noises at it...dave was grinning. (well I don't know that for a fact, but it felt like it) so I ran shrieking from the room with my hands over my head...ran up the stairs and hid in the bedroom.

This was beyond my remit.

This was not in the small print of the marriage or pet owner's contract.

I tried not to shudder too much at the thought of a maimed bird dripping on my furniture which my cat -feathers encrusted around its mouth- had dragged into the house through the cat flap. In the middle of the night. Ugh.

I ventured downstairs to see if Dave had managed to catch the bird.

Harley had it in his mouth.

UGH.

Quickly I shrieked some sort of shrieky ultimatum...."get that bird and that cat out of my house NOW!" in a shrieky uncompromising kind of shriek. I emphasise the shrieking merely because there was so much of it coming out of me.

YUK.

Anyway, Dave put the bird out. I smacked Harley. I sulked and shuddered on the couch throughout the rest of Ally.

Harley came back in crying for his little winged toy...and freaked me out further by wanderingn around the room looking up in the air for it.

SHUDDER.

So that was yesterday.

Fortunately parents seem to have slept through all shrieking. In fact it is 11.39 on Saturday morning and they are still in bed.

(Birds. In the house. Pecking at your eyes. Shudder.)

3 Comments:

Anonymous Nothing But Bonfires said...

Your airport makeover idea is GENIUS! Perhaps we don't even need Trinny & Susannah -- you play Trinny and I'll be Susannah and we'll ambush all the Germans as soon as they've passed passport control. I'm so in.

7:39 PM  
Blogger Adele Richards said...

Hi there nbb - so nice of you to call by.
Great idea - you're on.

Although I do love Trinny and Susannah...perhaps we could all join together for a show....?

10:44 PM  
Blogger weegeemcschuler said...

Adele - you are absolutely halarious...I have had quite the vision - likely encrusted with my own version of truth but heck - you're the bomb as far as story writing goes. I used to tantrum with my cats when they cahsed....and caught, sniff sniff ..birds, and they thought they were bringing Mommy a pressie... gosh!
Can you send me your isight thingy - Jay and I'd love to call :0)

12:07 AM  

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